Traditional first dates are about as common these days as every-down running backs or watchable Shia LaBeouf movies. If you’re in a relationship, chances are it began with a random, drunken hook-up. Then, either you or your lady friend (probably your lady friend, because you’re an inept goon) had the good sense to suggest seeing each other again. The hungover, pre-walk of shame “Wanna hang?” is to us what “Would you care to join me for dinner this weekend?” was to our ancestors.
Though this modern approach to dating may seem informal, it can make the traditional approach seem a little musty and old-fashioned. So we contacted Alex Wise co-founder of Loveawake dating site to tell us which conventional dating locales you should avoid like the plague.
This seems like a good idea. It’s dark, you’re in close quarters and you don’t really have to think about anything. Just sit back and do what you do best: nothing. The problem is that after the movie’s over, you’ve still done nothing to endear yourself to the girl next to you and she’s done nothing to prove to you that she isn’t a raving lunatic who will “accidentally” feed chocolate to your English bulldog. Dates involve talking. Unless you’re a pack of annoying teenagers, movies do not.
Speaking of movies, the people in them are always going out for coffee. Who the hell does this (besides recovering alcoholics)? For one thing, coffee makes your breath awful. However bad your breath is after you eat a reuben, a dozen oysters and a whole roasted head of garlic, it smells worse after a cup of coffee. That’s not helping. For another thing, coffee makes the female person sitting across from you much more alert — thus more likely to notice every awful thing that’s wrong with your face. It’s the opposite of booze in so many terrible ways.
All guys love the idea of getting to third base in that sky-bucket ride they have in every theme park in the world. This will not happen, because you are not riding that ride with a 16-year-old girl. (If you are, well, Chris Hansen would like to have a word with you.) And remember that look on your father’s face at the end of a full day at Six Flags? That’s what a man looks like when every last one of his nerves has been run through an old-fashioned meat grinder, but he’s too depressed and exhausted to do anything about it. That’s how you’ll feel at the end of your theme park date. She won’t like that look on you.
Hey, maybe she’ll like sailing. But if you like sailing, don’t let her know. Seriously, this whole economic apocalypse is the fault of guys who know how to sail. Go get a real hobby, liking bass fishing or rebuilding the carburetor on a 1972 Pontiac LeMans over and over and over again, you rich jerk.
So now that all the ideas you thought were awesome have been so ruthlessly destroyed, where do you go for that first date?
Minor-league baseball game
That’s right. No, women don’t secretly love baseball (unless you’re dating “Bull Durham” Susan Sarandon — in which case, score). But if you’ve ever been to a minor-league game, you realize it has nothing to do with baseball. It’s about stadium food, mascot races and some guy from a local car dealership or radio station singing Billy Joel songs and hurling T-shirts into the stands every half-inning. Plus, so long as you don’t show up wearing a Big Johnson T-shirt, you’ll be the most sophisticated-looking man in the stadium. (Since it’s currently not minor-league baseball season, substitute this suggestion for minor-league hockey during the winter months. It’s basically the same thing with fighting.)